So many of our ideas on how to love are a product of our environment. And usually, that environment (parents, grandparents, family) also learned from their environment, who also learned from theirs, etc...and it's a vicious cycle. If some of the examples we see in our earliest memories are bad examples, there's not really anyone there to offer insight to an alternative. Sometimes its just up to the next generation to break the cycle.
I think when we picture love, we're conjuring up programmed messages about intimacy, closeness, perfection, partnership...that always happy, always easy, nothing goes wrong kind of happily ever after that movies often end with. But in real life, things don't always go as smoothly. And then we feel disappointed, resentful even, that we're following the steps, but the "product" doesn't come out the way it was supposed to.
Let's stop right there. We followed the "steps", but love didn't turn out the way it was "supposed to". First of all, what are the steps? Are they the things the super feminine New York City journalist and her crazy friends do on HBO? Are the steps the things your often bickering, sometimes happy parents do? Are they the way your mother overprotects you and shelters you from doing what you want to do because she wants to be sure you're safe?
And how is the finished "product", LOVE, supposed to turn out? When are we done taking the steps, when do we get to enjoy all the work we've done?
Therein lies the error. Expectations. We've got to stop setting ourselves up for failure. The finished product, realistically, is never finished. Love is ever changing, perpetually in motion, growing and learning. Love is fluid.
And the steps? I'll tell you right now, Sex and the city and The Gilmore Girls aren't going to be much help.
The steps to love are, just like love, always changing. Because people are always changing. But the important thing to remember about love is that it should be unconditional. Without lofty expectations, without jealous and possessive limitations and conditions.
Love doesn't mean that you do your best to make sure someone is always comfortable. Love is honest, and that means even when the conversations are painful.
Love lifts us up...it doesn't hold us back. Love is letting our partners rejoice in our love, not feel caged by it. Love is letting our children be who they are, not who we want them to be.
It doesn't mean your boyfriend can't have female friends because you're too jealous. It doesn't mean your daughter can't wear all black because you're afraid of the message it will send. It means acceptance of someone for who they are, all that they are. Sometimes, it can even mean living with your new husband, your ex-husband, his girlfriend, and your children. All under one roof, accepting that old relationships didn't work out, new ones were formed, and that's okay...and still being a family.
Love is a celebration of acceptance. Even if it isn't what you pictured. Imagine the happiness that goes hand in hand with that kind of freedom.
- Mellanie Blust
